2018 Started Rough
Wasn't he adorable. Kenneth Katterhenry. My favorite uncle/father figure. The last building block of my childhood died in the middle of January of 2018. He has always been my rock. This is his graduation picture. I told him he must have had all the girls chasing after him, but he only wanted one. My favorite Aunt. Convenient isn't it. She passed on the same year as Bob's Mom, both being mother figures to me as my Mother passed on in 1998. I don't think anyone knew just what Uncle Kenny and Aunt Mary meant to Bob and me. Bob never had the same kind of relationship with his uncles like he had with my Uncle and he never had true Aunts like my Aunt Mary. Well truthfully, there never was an aunt like Aunt Mary. I look like her. I always told them they just wanted to raise boys, so when they had me they just handed me over to my Mom and Dad to raise. They always laughed because there is no way that was true. I was born a year before they were married. Whenever, I would say that they always laughed.
His death devastated me. Even as I write this tears roll down my face. He was a gentle man. Slow to anger. Iron fisted, but fair in discipline. He never played favorites. Whenever I would go spend the night I would purposely forget my pjs so that I could wear one of his T-shirts for jami's. He always thought that was funny.
He was a farmer by trade and never seemed to have a bad year. My Dad always said, 'It is a drought on everyone's farm but Kenny's' I asked him one time if he ever took out crop insurance and he laughed. He said only one year. He said that God put it on his heart that he should buy it that year and so he did. He needed it. He never bought it any other year and he never needed it. I thought it was amazing.
We talked so much. We would read books and discuss them. Oh I miss that man. A great cornerstone of my life gone forever. But he tell me once, if you ever need a hug, close you eyes, cross your arms and give yourself a great big hug. That hug is from me.
His 3 sons were my brothers as we were growing up, but that day I lost the three of them too and one of thier sons who was like a son to me because of some stupid lies that my family should have recognized as lies. The lies came from known liars. I only found out about it 2 weeks ago, but even my son has known about it for months and did not say a word to me about it. These lies have been fermenting for 6 months, so anything I say now is not believed. Me, who is incapable of lying, is not believed of telling the truth by my family who has known me all their lives. Inconceivable. So, they don't want to even talk about it.
Then at the same time, my husband and I became estranged from my son and our Grandchildren, I will not go into the long story because it is entirely too upsetting. Suffice it to say that we have not seen our Grandchildren since Christmas and they are being told lies about us. We have talked to and seen our son only rarely and we have to be very careful what we say. It is like walking on eggshells. We have to make the connection. He never tries to make an attempt.
So, basically, on the day of my Uncle's funeral, I not only lost my beloved Uncle, and a security I have known for 64 years, but I lost a third of my family and my son and Grandchildren.
We also lost our Health Insurance so I couldn't go to see a psychologist. Shall we say I went into a deep dark hole of depression! 1/3 of my support group was missing and no one was checking on me. It was up to my loving husband and my wonderful daughter who lives 2,500 miles away to watch over me. It has been awful.
Then I finally crashed in May. The last rung in ladder before I hit the bottom of the pit cracked and broke in May. Fortunately, my new insurance kicked in the next day and so I called the psychologist and said I was in crisis and they got me in the same day.
I am happy to report that after her first visit things started to turn around and now as of todays date, I am definitely more than halfway back up the ladder and can see the top of the hole and sunlight again.
I am laughing again. There is sunshine in my life again and the world looks much brighter. Major Depression is a very scary place to be, especially when you support system deserts you in your hour of need. But there is always hope.
The one thing I always have on my side is God. He never leaves my side! He is always there listening to me when I talk and I think this time the ancestors were trying to help too, lol. I certainly have been hearing a lot of fiddle playing. I wonder just who played the fiddle. I need to investigate that.
Well, one of my best friends is getting married on July 28 and I am so excited for her! She had decided she would never get married and, of course, that is always when it happens. Now she is panic mode. Our Aimee and our Robbie are coming home because they are both in the wedding. Aimee and I just happen to share the same best friend. Isn't that the coolest thing! Robbie is going to be the ring bearer for his 'Auntie'. I don't think I will be able to keep the tears from flowing, happy tears for our Jen.
We are so excited to have our Aimee and Robbie home for 2 wonderful weeks. I can hardly hold it in. Then on top of that we are going to celebrate our Robbie's 6th birthday while he is here. So much fun! Plus while they are here, my brother and his wife, more like a sister, are going to be here too. It is going to be like a party! The time is going to go so fast! But I am going to such wonderful memories to hold in my heart. Oh I can hardly wait! Just 9 more days!
The first half of the year was absolutely horrible! However, I have learned a lot about myself and a lot about family. And I am much stronger for having lived through this emotional disaster. I hope to not have to live through it again!
I turn 65 in October this year. I think I should be done with emotional disasters of this kind! I'm probably dreaming, lol.
We shall see what the next half of the year brings. Oh what I didn't tell you is that I finally turned my RSD/CRPS From a Patient's Perspective book into a publisher. I have been too frightened to get it published, but the final edit is done. I should hear this week what happens next. The cover is complete front and back. I almost cried when I read what they wrote on the back cover of the book. They seem to think I'm really something and that the book needs to be read by everyone! I'll let everyone know when it is ready.
This year has gone so fast. It is now November. Lives Changed Internet Radio Show is done. I did that for almost 2 years. I wrote each show for every week. I didn't know I had it in me. What a learning experience that was. Once you get comfortable with something though, the door always closes it seems. Just as this happened, I heard a sermon that said that is because God will open another one because He wants us to spread our wings. I didn't know I had wings, but I will spread them because He sent me on a mission and I am not done.
To YouTube we head. I own every show I broadcast, 67 of them, so I need to turn each of them from mp3 to mp4 and I need to edit out commercials and all of my and..so, heaven's I said that a lot! How annoying. So, in other words I am cleaning them up and then uploading them onto YouTube plus I will be doing videos and that will take a lot of work and it will be slow. My plan is to do a video once a week and a followup video to answer questions or comments. That will be 2 videos a week. I will hopefully get follow up from you as to how you like it and what topics you would like discussed.
As far as how life has been, Robbie and Aimee's visit was perfect and way too fast, as I knew it would be. Robbie is now in school and is absolutely loving it. It seems everyone loves him. Of course, I knew they would. He is the sweetest little heart there is and loves everyone he meets. He also has a pure heart and sees no difference in races so his best friends are a conglomeration of the Heinz 57 variety, the true make up of the melting pot that is the United States and I love it. He says the funniest things that make a person stop and think and then just makes you bend over laughing. Then when you look at him, you just laugh all the more. I think he and I are made up of the same goofy genes. We get on Facetime and spend half the time just making faces at each other, so much fun.
Aimee and I try to talk every day and Jen and I try to talk at least once a week. She is so busy and now that she is married she is even busier. Her home now is an hour away from where she lives, but I am so happy that all of my children are married and settled. 2 of them are happily married anyway. The other we just won't talk about.
I haven't spoken with my son since August when I wished him happy birthday. He completely missed my birthday in October, but that is what I expected. I have learned that you have to forgive others for all the hurts and I mean truly forgive and then brush the dust from your sandals and turn your back, no matter who they are. You can't continue to allow people to abuse you, whether it is emotional or what. We don't have the money to drive to where he works for a 5 minute conversation where I am constantly told what I need to do to make things better when I am not going to do it. Especially when everyone and I mean everyone from the Sheriff to the doctors to my family tell me I am not to, so, it is done. At first, it was very hard, but I keep finding passages in the Bible that are telling me I am doing the right thing and sermons that I hear that are telling me I am doing the right thing.
Once you get to that point, and you release it and you turn your back on it and you give it all over to God and let go, it is such a relief and amazingly a sense of joy, freedom, and fun and laughter come back into your life. That is what has happened to us. So, since May, when I started releasing my grief for my beloved Uncle who is always with me in my heart, my emotional healing has begun.
Once that happens, even my physical healing had already been improving, it seems like it continued to heal faster...
That is until I ignored the candida that decided to invade my body. I ignored all the signs and kept ignoring them which I knew was stupid, but did it anyway, until it became systemic!!! It took me 8 weeks on medication to get rid of it! And itch! Inside and outside! I thought I would go insane, plus because it went systemic, it did something very rare and something the doctor said, 'only you Deb, only you...' It went into my lungs! I could hardly breath and my steroid inhaler made it worse. I had to stop using that and my other inhaler too. I was on my CPAP for a week with my doTERRA oils treating myself for candida as well as using the doctor's medication. Finally, I could sit in the living room with the CPAP on and I could breath. It was horrible and I hardly had a voice for a very long time.
The moral of that story is listen and pay attention to your body!!!!
The Kindle version of my book is on Amazon as of now and we are working on getting the rest on soon. I had to get really nasty with the publishers before Thanksgiving and I actually yelled and swore at them to get the rest of the book finished and on Amazon's 'shelves' It should have been done months ago!!! I am really angry about it and now they know it. Here is the link for the Kindle version and as soon as the rest is available I will let you know.
This weekend we got the Christmas tree up and decorated. I moved very carefully.
The end of this year and more information on the book will be coming as I know more. We still have the full month of December. If they don't have it done by then there may be a lawyer involved....they have 2 children's books of mine they are supposed to be doing illustrations for!!!! They really don't want to get my Irish up any further than it already is!!!