A Tale of Holiday, Depression and Fibromyalgia

I don’t know what it is about holidays. I know many people have trouble getting through them. Even with family & friends around sometimes we try to throw a smile on our face (while we wipe away the tears) and at least stay on the outskirts. Other times we stay in the darkness until this part passes.

I woke up this morning in pain. All over body pain – I’m well aware that it could be worse – but Lord this has me twisted today as I work myself around it while I need to.

When someone lose their vision the dr ofc refer them to get a seeing eye dog. When someone gets cancer they find out who their real friends are – the people who take them to appointments and stay with them when they are sick. I am so grateful that these few examples have resources available and that there are people out there that care enough.

I’m not able to get a case worker. The place to go in my town should be rebranded a tanning/nail salon because the 1st & 2nd year young “ladies” that are there to “help” people can’t seem to help themselves from mocking clients before they even leave the room. I’ve attempted multiple times throughout the years and its been a disaster every time. I feel for the people struggling with that outlet as I don’t think it is a good environment for anyone dealing with any illness – invisible or not.

My mother is my rock. They are out-of-town right now visiting family and their grandchildren. It’s where they need to be; I certainly wouldn’t bother or take any joy away from that time. Perhaps I can be a monster but not that kind.

What do you do when your closest friends have so much going on in their own lives and you’ve had fibromyalgia & depression as well as other “invisible illnesses” forever and a day u know that you can’t bother them.

I can’t call the Dr on Easter weekend, I have fibromyalgia. I hurt. Nah, I don’t do that.

When I get out the house to refill my meds Ill have more gabapentin but I’m now realizing that once again – take the meds, feel some improvement, adjust to side effects, tolerance, up dosage, up dosage, big pharma winning.

I’ve got depression. Who doesn’t these days? Had it for so long that even as I was waking up I could tell the difference. There’s a Cymbalta depression. Once you’ve taken it long enough you recognize it. Now that’s another medicine. It doesn’t work, stop taking it – oh my Lord what have I done it must have been working better get back on it and up the dose. The torture of not taking it is worse than all the reasons of not taking it – there are SO many reasons not to start it.

I think I handle my depression pretty well, all things considered. I focus on my blessings, I pray constantly throughout the day and I just work to do what I need to do. I have blessings, I’m so grateful – I don’t understand why this isn’t enough to make the depression go away.

I don’t have a St Bernard, or a dignified Mastiff to take along to appointments and encourage me to talk to the drs. I do have a 120+ lb Alaskan Malamute but he’s spoiled and would make everything about him.

I don’t have them there to turn to when (whatever kind of people it takes) to trigger others and I remind myself that God loves me too and so long as I’m on track w/ my integrity, struggling to find the journey the Lord has set for me. I remind myself. Cymbalta depression makes me not care.

My Godchildren are all safe and with family today. I should clean the house but I don’t think that’s on the schedule. I’ve done some dishes, and laundry is almost caught up for the week.

I’m going to pray, try to sleep & hopefully when I wake it’ll be back to the regular depression and not the cymbalta depression. Happy Easter, please enjoy anyone who cares enough to spend time with you when you need it; as well as those that give you space when warranted.

Written by Jennifer Johansson for Yourfibromyalgiallc.com

@JJsHealthyNutz on twitter

Deb Lundquist
 

After 18 years of living with this as a roommate, I feel I know Fibromyalgia well. Now, it is my passion to help people with Fibromyalgia and chronic pain take back control of their lives.